Last week I was musing here about the importance of letting go control. How often are we are seeking to control the behaviour and responses of those around us? But in so doing, we are misplacing our responsibility. We can only take responsibility for ourselves and our own choices, not those of others. This is one of our secret super powers – more on that here.
When we try to exert our authority over others, that often ends up looking like us seeking to control them and the outcome of the situation.
This is where moving from authority to influence is key.
Authority can quickly cause us to slide down a slippery slope of manipulation to get the results we want. Perhaps we are talking with someone and identify that we are envious of the situation they are in. We want them to see that we are having a hard time and gain their sympathy. But if we are too directive in pointing out our woes and taking the moral high ground because we are suffering oh-so-much-more-than-them, we risk shutting them down and isolating ourselves further.
I am reminded of first year psychology at college many moons ago when we briefly looked at Transactional Analysis. Taking this kind of controlling authority can cause us to adopt Parent ego state in our conversation, prompting the person we are speaking with to go into Child ego state and feel scolded and belittled. Power and control are at work here.
Not nice.
If however we choose to operate in Adult ego state, we are moving from authority to influence. We instead choose to share honestly how we are feeling in a way that encourages vulnerability and strengths connection. This is much more about emotional intelligence, awareness of the power of our words, and building relationships.
I like this definition of the two words, from Simplicable management site:
Authority is the power or right to give orders and make decisions.
Influence is the ability to affect ideas and actions.
What are some of the positive behaviours we can display when we are operating out of influence not authority?
We seek the best outcome of the situation for all parties.
This is the win-win that Stephen Covey talks about in his Seven Habits (more here). Stopping to ask ourselves – what would be the best outcome here? – allows us to step outside of the emotions of the situation and see it more objectively. This also opens our minds up to different options and possibilities beyond what we might have started with. What are the other truths in the room? How might the other person see this?
Ask, listen, listen and then listen some more.
It is too easy to jump in with half-truths and a lack of understanding or clarity of the whole situation. Our motivation may well be good, but until we stop and step into the shoes of the other person, we will not have the whole story and therefore risk bulldozing over the other person and losing their respect.
Show respect for where the other person is and their feelings.
Where are they coming from? How are they feeling and how might they be reacting to this? What is the best way to show respect and loving care to them in this situation? This is about awareness of them, but also awareness of yourself so that you are not hijacked or caught off guard by your own underlying emotions.
Time to reflect.
I have written about this a lot these past difficult 18 months. We rush through life at a phenomenal pace. But in doing so, we risk stuffing and ignoring how we feel and the needs those feelings point to. Taking time each day to stop, notice how we feel and sitting with those feelings for a short while is important. This allows us to process and then take proactive action rather than letting those emotions build and brew until they explode in potentially authoritative controlling behaviour.
Demonstrate integrity.
This is important – lead by example. I have worked in a situation where someone in charge openly and with great glee announced that we were to do what this person said not what this person did. Disastrously negative influence was the result. So be honest and be consistent. Apologise quickly and without qualifications. And be vulnerable, as the situation allows.
When we choose to show up to the situation being honest about who and how we are and what we can do, and seeking to gain greater understanding of who and how the other person is and what they can do, we are moving from authority to influence.